First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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