Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
