The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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