Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
