you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
