my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
