Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
