so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
