Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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