Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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