My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
