Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
