Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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