my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
