what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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