i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Vodka?
Forever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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