Sry I called you an 8
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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