I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
