my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
