Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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