my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
