I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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