Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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