Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
