Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
