You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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