someone threw a dead crab at me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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