You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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