i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
