I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you had me at cake vodka
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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