Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
