Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
