I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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