Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
