clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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