i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
