I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
