I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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