apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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