I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
