Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
