i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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