apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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