It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
