sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
