Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
