I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
