ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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