The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
