yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The cops high fived after they tackled you
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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