And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's rum buckets o'clock
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.