My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with