I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid