I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
