I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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