i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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